Issue link: https://cp.revolio.com/i/139497
R i d g e G a t e O B G Y N a t S k y R i d g e He's kicking John C. Stallworth, M.D. why do we fight so much as kids? "We are striving for significance – to determine what makes us individual and different in the family," says Ziegler. In toddlerhood, that individuality might rest in a favorite toy or doll, so fights over "not sharing" are common. In school age, children start to develop a sense of "fair" and "not fair" and fights often erupt out of jealousy over Mom and Dad's attention. During adolescence, as kids strive for independence, older siblings often become resentful of things that make them feel tethered to the family (like doing chores, babysitting, or a younger sibling who "won't leave them alone"). While the bickering can sound like nails on a chalkboard to a weary parent, experts say that – unless one child is seriously hurting the other physically or emotionally – the worst thing you can do is step in and end the fight for them. "Parents really need to be consultants rather than rescue helicopters or drill sergeants," says Charles Fay, president of the Golden-based Love and Logic Institute, which offers parenting workshops. "Consultants offer ideas and strategies. They don't solve problems for people." He advises parents to express their empathy first. "Don't take sides or try to figure out who started it. Just listen and tell them you understand how that could hurt." Then hand the problem back to them and offer them advice if they ask for it: "Don't take the conflict from them. Say good luck, and back out." If you must separate the kids (often for your own sanity), meet with them separately afterward to devise a "conflict resolution plan," says Ziegler. And if the fighting persists with no resolution in sight? Present consequences (perhaps you are too tired from all that bickering to take them to soccer practice). "A lot of times they will continue to hand it back to you, fighting around you and giving you no peace," says Fay. "Explain to them that there is a consequence for not solving their problem." 18 She wo